Relationship expert, Bukola Abraham has revealed the secret to a successful marriage.
Ayo-Bukola Elizabeth Abraham, is a gospel artist, inspirational writer, a life coach, Marriage counselor, reality talk show host and a soon to be ex Bank official who is passionate about family, faith and relationships.
Even as a banker, she decided to follow other dreams beyond the walls of the financial institution. She is also happily married with kids. In this interview, she reveals key elements needed to have a successful marriage.
Q: As a Marriage counselor, what do you think is the reason why marriages break up?
These reasons are numerous. Marriages break up mostly because of some unacceptable reasons for venturing into the union in the first place, some of these reasons are marrying out of pity, marrying mainly because of just the physical attraction, ego, unforgiveness, intolerance, financial tension, infidelity, marrying because of desperation, societal stigma, Age Barrier, unplannned Pregnancy, relationship extension, socio-economic benefits, infatuation and lust, morbid desire, et al
These reasons are expatiated in the volume 1 of my book “Marriage”. Ignoring basic signs during courtship, doing the first things last by putting the cart before the horse and not looking out for the signs of home wreckage early enough. Others are untruthfulness, financial infidelity, poverty, lack of transparency, emotional dislocation and sustained malice. The truth is that divorce does not end marriage, neither does it cause marriages to come to an end, it is just a befitting judicial burial for a marriage that ended a long time ago on the basis of unforgiveness, irreconcilable differences, ego war or substantial incompatibility. Beyond all these is putting our choice before God’s choice. No man can see beyond the scope of his limited knowledge and no man’s life is totally ruined until he is badly married.
Q: What advice do you have for couples to sustain their relationship?
The first and the most important advice is to put God as the chairman of their marriage and let him have the centre stage in the relationship. God is the only ‘third party’ allowed in any marriage that would succeed. Activate all the essentials of marriage such as love, trust, hope, dedication, generosity, kindness, emotional maturity and stability, sacrifice, communication, intimacy, commitment, self-discipline, openness, transparency, tolerance, reliability, sincerity, et al. All these points are also elaborated in the volume 1, Chapter 3 of my new Book “Marriage”. Marriage is a voyage of discovery, couples must learn to keep discovering each other and be willing and committed to making their marriages work. Importantly, marriage is nothing short of the successful union between two willing forgivers.
Q: What was the journey like writing your Books?
I would like to state here that I had never been a conventional writer, neither has it ever crossed my mind to pen down my thoughts, but God gave the inspiration from the first letter to the last full stop. It is inexplicable because looking back, I can’t imagine how I did it, out of my busy schedules as a bank official in Lagos, working late and on weekends and being able to attend regular studio sessions for my album, coupled with church activities and family demands, it can only be God and I am sincerely grateful to Him for His grace.
Q: What was the inspiration behind the book project?
I would like to talk about them individually, talking about “The Journey”, it came as a result of the challenges that came my way prior to the time the book was written, I recently understood what it means for someone to walk in line with God’s purpose. I discovered I was only existing and not truly living and I was not fulfilling my divine purpose, I discovered that I had been managing rather than flourishing, it is a book that I would recommend for everyone to read because of the depth of insight that God has enabled me to put into writing and lastly, it is a book that would consciously awaken anyone on a wrong lane and redirect them to the right path. It’s a recount of my fortuitous journey to self-discovery. Everyone can find himself there.
The inspiration for Marriage came as a result of the increasing burden in my heart concerning the way spouses were killing each other, the alarming rate of divorce in our society, the annoying rate of domestic violence, level of unfaithfulness, increase in spousal abuse, et al in our society. I found out that Marriage was becoming a contractual arrangement that could be rescinded at will, rather than a life covenant and permanence was gradually fading away. But we unwittingly forget that family is the bedrock of the society, which means when the family goes wrong, it would reflect in the state of the society. To ruin a nation, just mess the family units up. It’s that simple. It’s like killing a village by poisoning their cistern and source of water. I became passionate and I could not withhold myself as a result of all the incidences of violence, spousal killings, assault, battery and divorce which made my mind troubled, so I decided to contribute to the narrative by writing a book on marriage to assist prospective couples to choose rightly and avoid the common pitfalls that greeted prior unsavoury and unsuccessful marital unions.
Remarkably, God opened my eye of understanding to know the systemic approach to a healthy, fruitful and well-balanced marriage and I have only presented them succinctly in plain language to my readers in the book.
Q: What has been your husband’s role in the entire process?
To the Glory of God, I chose rightly and as a result, God had already given me a man who knows about all of these impending projects before they began to unfold, he has been very supportive, and I have his 100 percent backing. My husband is not threatened by my success or fame. I could not have chosen a better person. He is a dream-fulfiller and I am grateful to God I married him.